Tag: Grandkids

Fantasyland vs. Jack and Kathleen Henderson

Good afternoon, visitors. You have been waiting in line for nearly an hour, but you will now be allowed to enter the courtroom in Orlando, Florida for the exciting conclusion of case number 4530, the People of Fantasyland vs. Jack and Kathleen Henderson. Although the 21st-Century is not yet a quarter of the way through, journalists are already referring to this legal battle as “The Trial of the Century.” Please step into your seat as the revolving visitors’ gallery approaches, move to the far end of your row to make room for others, and remain seated for the entire ride, or, um, trial. Keep your hands and feet inside the seating area for your own safety. You may want to remove your hats and mouse ears, as this promises to be a fast-moving trial, with numerous twists and turns. Those with weak hearts or high blood pressure and pregnant women are encouraged to skip this event. And, as always, you must be at least 42 inches high to attend. We join the trial, already in progress:

Defense Attorney: How would you characterize this trip?

Jackleen: A wonderful time. Going by the numbers, it was 4 days, 5 nights, 32 rides or roller coasters, 4 separate theme parks, 5 great dinners, an average of 22,000 steps a day—I kept track (chuckles from the jurors), and, in terms of money, well over 5 digits worth of fun.

Defense Attorney: That makes me tired just hearing it! (More laughter). And how were the kids?

Jackleen: They were great. Fourteen-year-old Abigail is a smart girl with a strong cynical streak who suffers terribly from FOMO—the Fear Of Missing Out on something. Lucas turned 11 during the trip, he adores his sister, and he parrots every thought or word she expresses. They had both received a generous cash gift from their Uncle Dan before the trip and were dying to spend it. We sent them to the gift shop in the hotel to spend their loot, and they surprised us when they returned wearing Mickey Mouse ears. Abigail, despite her usual cynicism, sported a set of ears with a mortarboard, complete with gold tassels, in the middle, and the words “Class of 2024.” She lit up when complete strangers offered congratulations, but the highlight of the trip for her may have been when someone asked her if she had graduated from high school or college. I think she enjoyed the opportunity to be herself without the embarrassing chance of being seen with her family by someone she knows. Lucas chose a set of ears festooned with all of the colors of the rainbow simply because he liked the colors, and they were the only ears he could find without a ribbon in the middle. He was completely unaware that June is pride month at Disney or what that might signify. In any case, they both wore their ears with great pride for the entire trip.

Defense: And did they contribute anything to the trip?

Jackleen: Oh yes. Lucas was sweet and wide-eyed the entire time, with an infectious good humor. At meals, he liked to organize activities such as ranking the roller-coasters or the various parks, and we were all expected to elaborate and explain our rankings. Abigail is, . . . well, she’s 14 years old. She tries to hide her positive feelings whenever possible, rolls her eyes a lot, and grumbling is her default position, but she was at her absolute best on this trip. She also is light years ahead of her grandparents when it comes to technology. She became an expert navigator and the one who mastered the Disney App that showed the wait times for the various rides with long lines. The best money we spent was the extra $25 per person per day for a special pass that enabled us to reserve a spot and skip the long lines by taking the “Lightning Lane.” Instead of waiting an hour or more for the most popular rides, we never waited more than 5 minutes. Abigail conquered that system so well that, by the last day, at the Wild Kingdom park, we were able to get off of one premium ride, walk to the next one, and immediately get on. At first, we felt guilty walking past those throngs of hot, sweaty people who had been waiting for over an hour, but we got over it. For us, the highlight of the trip was the relationship between the two siblings. At home or under normal circumstances, the two kids bicker constantly. Lucas wants to hang out with Abigail and do whatever she is doing, while she enjoys her time alone and finds her little brother annoying at times. At Disney, however, they were great buddies, often walking with arms around each other, and bonding over their annoyance with their grandparents.

Defense Attorney: Okay, let’s get into that. Exactly how old is Nana Handerson?

Jackleen: She will be 75 in September.

Defense Attorney: And can I assume that she is not exactly an athlete?

Jackleen: That is a safe assumption.

Defense Attorney: Does she like the climate of Florida in June?

Jackleen: She hates heat. She hates humidity. She hates crowds. She has a health condition in which she develops a violent rash on her ankles if she remains on her feet for long periods of time. So, the answer would be a resounding no.

Defense Attorney: Then why on Earth would you go on such a taxing trip?

Jackleen: It was for the kids. We promised Abigail we would take her anywhere she wanted to go for her 8th-grade graduation. We thought she would pick Paris or some European city, but she chose Disney World. Then, we decided we might not be in good enough health to take Lucas on a similar trip in four years, so we took them both this time.

Defense Attorney: Did you make any special accommodations for Nana Henderson?

Jackleen: Yes. Every so often, we would find some shade and let her sit for a few minutes. The kids also agreed that we would take a break for a couple of hours in the afternoon, when the heat and the crowds were the worst. The kids were pretty accepting of that idea for the first few days. By the last day or two, though, Abigail’s FOMO phobia kicked in, and she wanted to ride roller-coasters from dawn to dusk without a break. Other than that, Nana was a trooper. Before the trip, there was concern that some—or all—of us would chicken out on some of the scarier rides, but that was not the case. Everyone rode on every ride, and no one backed out.

Defense Attorney: I understand that many Disney officials considered Nana a security risk.

Jackleen: Apparently. They stopped her repeatedly at the metal detectors, and once did everything but strip search her at the entrance to a park. Another time, a handler with a drug-sniffing dog stopped her while the dog did a thorough search of her person. Finally, she was stopped at least six times at the secondary entrances to the parks while they took her picture for comparison to known felons and terrorists. I’m happy to report that they found no weapons or drugs except for her blood-pressure medicine.

Defense Attorney: You said that Lucas had a birthday during the trip. What was that day like?”

Jackleen: It was exhausting, but fun. As on most days, we left the room just after 7 a.m., had a full breakfast in the hotel, and were inside the gates of one of the parks as soon as they opened. That day, we went to The Hollywood Studios park and started with the Tower of Terror, Twilight Zone ride. I had my arms around Lucas when it started and his little heart was pounding at about 150 beats per minute. We hit 4 more rides that morning, including the two Star Wars rides that Lucas wanted to experience. We returned to the hotel for a break about 1:00. Grampa Jack took the kids to the pool while Nana took a quick nap. Then we were off to Epcot for some more rides and a great dinner, complete with costumed Disney characters and a special cake for Lucas’ birthday.

Defense Attorney: Wow. That’s a full day. I’m guessing you returned to your room after that.

Jackleen: Yes, but just for a few minutes to drop off the leftover cake. At 9:00, we headed out again, this time to the Magic Kingdom park for fireworks and more rides. You see, Magic Kingdom had special hours that day. Instead of closing at 11:00, as usual, they were open until 1:00 a.m., and we told the kids we would let them stay up late for those extra 2 hours. After standing in a crowd for the fireworks, after walking to Tomorrowland, Fantasyland, Adventureland, and a few other lands I can’t recall, we hit more rides, some for the second time. The adults were fading fast as midnight approached, so we let the kids go alone to wait the 50 minutes for the 7 Dwarfs Trail Ride while we sought a place to sit down. They finally rejoined us at 12:15. But something was different. Abigail was now dressed in a business suit. The Mickey Mouse ears were gone, replaced by a businesswoman’s bun and glasses. She even carried a briefcase full of legal arguments that she was ready to unleash at any moment. All we could figure was that, while she was on the 7 Dwarf’s ride, the Evil Queen of Snow-White fame had put a magical spell on her that transformed our sweet granddaughter into a lawyer.

(After a brief recess, the trial resumed with the prosecutor—who looked suspiciously like Abigail—interrogating the grandparents.)

Prosecutor: So, the way I understand it, you had a verbal agreement to stay in the park until 1:00 in the morning. Is that correct?

Jackleen: Well, yes, but we didn’t want to get caught up in the long lines at the Monorail if we waited until the park closed at one.

Prosecutor: That’s not what I asked. Did you agree to stay until 1:00?

Jackleen: Well, we said we would go to the park during the special extended hours.

Prosecutor: Which ran from 11:00 to 1:00. Correct?

Jackleen: Yes.

Prosecutor: Not from 11:00 to 12:15 or 12:30, but to 1:00. Correct?

Jackleen: I guess so.

Prosecutor: There is no guessing involved. The park was open until 1:00. And at what time did you decide to leave the park.

Jackleen: At 12:16. I checked my watch. The kids came off of the Seven Dwarfs ride at that time and said they wanted to ride the Space Mountain roller coaster again. But, that ride was a 10-minute walk away, and the App said there was a 40-minute wait to get on it. Since the park closed in 44 minutes, the math didn’t work. We were all exhausted, we had been on the go for nearly 18 hours, and we had walked over 27,000 steps that day. So, we decided to leave.

Prosecutor: Objection! Immaterial! I didn’t ask how many steps you had taken; I asked what time you decided to leave. Your honor, I want everything after 12:16 stricken from the record. Instruct the witness to simply answer the questions that are asked.

Judge: So ordered.

Prosecutor: You decided to leave at 12:16, a full 44 minutes before the promised leaving time.

And how did the children react to this abrupt and egregiously unfair change of plans?

Jackleen: Well, you have to understand that they were completely over-tired, cranky, and unreasonable after a full day of activities—

Prosecutor: Your honor!

Judge: Just answer the question, please.

Jackleen: They were upset. They still wanted to go to Space Mountain, hoping that some miracle would happen, and that they could squeeze in one more ride.

Prosecutor: So, you admit that the children were upset, that it was not yet 1:00, and that the grandparents made the arbitrary decision to leave, despite the prior agreement.

Jackleen: I wouldn’t put it that way, but yes, it was our decision.

Prosecutor: Ah hah! You decided to leave early without even consulting with the children. And what time was it when you got back to your room at the Contemporary Hotel?

Jackleen: It was 12:52.

Prosecutor: (Nodding, smiling, and looking at each juror knowingly.) 12:52. Eight minutes before 1 o’clock. You returned to your room while the park remained open for another 8 minutes. Eight full minutes that could have been spent having fun, riding roller coasters, and engaging in other activities. (Pausing dramatically to allow those words to register with the jurors) One final question: 12:52 is not 1:00, is it?

Jackleen: No.

Prosecutor: Your honor, I rest my case.

Excerpt from the prosecution’s closing arguments:

And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the facts of the case are clear. The grandparents, despite a prior agreement, and with malice aforethought, did knowingly and intentionally drag the children from the Magic Kingdom before the closing time, causing both children irreparable emotional harm. But forget these children for a moment. I ask you to render a guilty verdict not for Lucas and Abigail. For them it is already too late; the damage has been done. (At this point, the prosecutor’s eyes welled with tears, and her voice cracked) Nay, I ask you to find these grandparents guilty for other children, for the future generations of children who might otherwise be so grievously abused by equally insensitive grandparents. To paraphrase William Shakespeare, “For never was a tale of such travail, as that of Lucas and Abigail.”

[Disclaimer: This was just my way of poking fun at Abigail and her lawyer-like tendencies while illustrating some of the fun things we did at Disney World. I hope that no one misconstrues this story and thinks that the kids were anything less than appreciative for the trip.]

Futbol Frolics

It was a beautiful week in River Falls, but we received a rude, albeit belated, introduction to fall weather. On Tuesday, our Happy Hour group sat outside in spectacular, 77-degree sunshine. By Thursday, we awoke to snow on the ground and temperatures below freezing. Before then, despite the unusually warm weather, signs of autumn were all around. Leaves were changing color, we watched the homecoming parade downtown, and Halloween decorations appeared as early as September. A few weeks ago, we were also treated to an amazing hailstorm. I had never experienced hail aside from an occasional, pebble-sized downpour that was more snow than actual ice. The one that hit us this time, however, peppered us with large stones that broke windows, shattered skylights, and damaged roofs. The grass outside our house looked like the driving range at the Kilkarney Hills Golf Course, and there was a picture in the paper of one stone that was larger than the baseball sitting next to it.

Fall sports are also in full swing, which, for us, means volleyball games for Abigail and soccer for Lucas. On Thursday, we attempted a double-header. First up was the volleyball match at St. Bridget’s School. Abigail is on the 7th-8th-grade team and has shown remarkable improvement since her first foray into the sport several years ago. Unfortunately, her match started late, and, since Amber coaches the team and Ben was still at the clinic, we had to leave early to take Lucas to his soccer game. I should mention that Amber and Ben are both athletic people and have been involved with sports for their entire lives. Ben played little league baseball, high school tennis, and college golf. Amber played soccer and volleyball in high school and college, and still plays whenever she can. The kids, however, have been dragged kicking and screaming into sporting activities. Abigail has gradually learned to enjoy her sport, but Lucas has yet to show much interest in anything not associated with Star Wars or Legos.

Having been unable to see any of his matches thus far, Kathleen and I pulled our camp chairs up to the sideline of the soccer pitch, eager to enjoy our first athletic contest featuring nine-year-old Lucas. It should be mentioned that this appeared to be a beginners league, and the kids were all new to the sport. I have seen T-ball games in baseball, so I harbored no elevated expectations for this game. Still, what we witnessed could best be described as anarchy on a soccer field. It was a small field with nets only about six feet wide and four feet high. Five players at a time were on the field, with a sixth on the sideline, and they rotated through the positions, playing one of the three forward spots, then defense, then goalie, then to the sideline for a few minutes. It was a cold night, so many of the players wore gloves. Lucas, however, had no gloves, so he spent the entire match with his hands tucked firmly into the pouch on his sweatshirt. In fact, no matter where he was on the field or the sideline, or what position he was playing, he stood at attention like a tin soldier, feet together, hands in his pouch.

In the interests of full disclosure, I readily admit that I have never played soccer, and I know little about the game. So, I was an impartial observer, mentally comparing this match to other sports with which I was more familiar. The first thing I noticed was that Lucas’s team, clad in blue shirts, consisted of five boys and one girl. The opposing team wore red and had five girls and one boy. It seemed to me that one team had a distinct advantage, and I was right—but not in the way I imagined. The girls actually dribbled the ball with some skill, passed to each other, and scored about six goals during the match. The boys—not so much. As soon as a male player got access to a ball, he wound up and kicked it as hard as he could with no particular target in mind. The only basic rule they seemed to understand was that, if a team kicked a ball out of bounds, the other team received a free kick to return it to action. Several fights broke out as the boys argued about who would get the honor of the free kick. As a direct result of this nascent testosterone, Lucas’s team failed to score during the 45-minute match.

Surrounded by these aggressive teammates, Lucas took the opposite tack. Early in the match, he started in goal, and the red-clad girls maneuvered down the field while the boys ran around manically, searching for something to kick. From fifteen feet out, a small girl let loose with the first shot on goal in the match, a chest-high attempt aimed toward the center of the net. Lucas, standing in his upright, tin-soldier pose, saw it coming and sprang into action. Without removing his hands from the sweatshirt pouch or moving his feet, he deftly twisted his upper body in such a way as to cleverly avoid interfering with the ball, which, with no impediments to disturb its flight, nestled softly into the net for the game’s first score. The teams then rotated their personnel, with Luke moving to the sideline. After the next goal by the girls, they rotated again, and Lucas took a forward position. He remained at forward for several minutes, moving sparingly, apparently saving his energy for a late-game surge. At one point, a wayward ball struck him in the feet, which were, of course, still held tightly together as he stood at attention. The ball bounced off of his lower legs, and only then, with the ball several feet away, did he take a futile swipe at the elusive target. As the action moved away toward the opposing net, Luke drifted backward and wound up in the defensive spot, that player having abandoned his post to follow the action across the center line. Luke stayed there for only a brief time, though, before entering negotiations with the goalie. Surely, I thought, they are discussing some sort of strategic gem that would allow them to use teamwork to defeat any future encroachments into their territory. Not quite. It turned out that Lucas simply wanted to return to the goal rather than remain in the more taxing defensive position. A minute later, the red team scored again, and Lucas rotated to the bench, apparently his preferred position.

And so it went: A quick stint at forward, take the defensive spot, talk to the goalie and switch positions, then rotate to the bench. Over and over. Finally, with darkness enveloping the field, he broke from the goal in an all-out sprint. Until that point, I had never actually seen him run. This is it, I thought, we’ll finally get to see why he was saving his energy; this is the athletic surge we’ve been waiting for. Alas, what had actually occurred was that they had declared the game over and the coach had announced that he had cookies for everyone. Lucas was first in line.

So, I guess Ben and Amber didn’t get the soccer enthusiast they were hoping for. On the positive side, that was the first soccer match that I actually enjoyed watching from start to finish. I have tried to watch futbol matches several times, especially during the Olympics and World Cup, but could never develop much enthusiasm for the game. I’m reminded of a commercial for the sit-com Two-and-a-Half Men that I recently saw. The Charley Sheen character is sitting on a couch with his nephew, flipping channels and looking for something interesting to watch. The nephew says, “There’s a soccer game. They say that it’s the most popular game in the world with billions of fans.” Charley presses the remote-control button and says, “Good. Then we don’t have to watch it.”