Good afternoon, visitors. You have been waiting in line for nearly an hour, but you will now be allowed to enter the courtroom in Orlando, Florida for the exciting conclusion of case number 4530, the People of Fantasyland vs. Jack and Kathleen Henderson. Although the 21st-Century is not yet a quarter of the way through, journalists are already referring to this legal battle as “The Trial of the Century.” Please step into your seat as the revolving visitors’ gallery approaches, move to the far end of your row to make room for others, and remain seated for the entire ride, or, um, trial. Keep your hands and feet inside the seating area for your own safety. You may want to remove your hats and mouse ears, as this promises to be a fast-moving trial, with numerous twists and turns. Those with weak hearts or high blood pressure and pregnant women are encouraged to skip this event. And, as always, you must be at least 42 inches high to attend. We join the trial, already in progress:
Defense Attorney: How would you characterize this trip?
Jackleen: A wonderful time. Going by the numbers, it was 4 days, 5 nights, 32 rides or roller coasters, 4 separate theme parks, 5 great dinners, an average of 22,000 steps a day—I kept track (chuckles from the jurors), and, in terms of money, well over 5 digits worth of fun.
Defense Attorney: That makes me tired just hearing it! (More laughter). And how were the kids?
Jackleen: They were great. Fourteen-year-old Abigail is a smart girl with a strong cynical streak who suffers terribly from FOMO—the Fear Of Missing Out on something. Lucas turned 11 during the trip, he adores his sister, and he parrots every thought or word she expresses. They had both received a generous cash gift from their Uncle Dan before the trip and were dying to spend it. We sent them to the gift shop in the hotel to spend their loot, and they surprised us when they returned wearing Mickey Mouse ears. Abigail, despite her usual cynicism, sported a set of ears with a mortarboard, complete with gold tassels, in the middle, and the words “Class of 2024.” She lit up when complete strangers offered congratulations, but the highlight of the trip for her may have been when someone asked her if she had graduated from high school or college. I think she enjoyed the opportunity to be herself without the embarrassing chance of being seen with her family by someone she knows. Lucas chose a set of ears festooned with all of the colors of the rainbow simply because he liked the colors, and they were the only ears he could find without a ribbon in the middle. He was completely unaware that June is pride month at Disney or what that might signify. In any case, they both wore their ears with great pride for the entire trip.
Defense: And did they contribute anything to the trip?
Jackleen: Oh yes. Lucas was sweet and wide-eyed the entire time, with an infectious good humor. At meals, he liked to organize activities such as ranking the roller-coasters or the various parks, and we were all expected to elaborate and explain our rankings. Abigail is, . . . well, she’s 14 years old. She tries to hide her positive feelings whenever possible, rolls her eyes a lot, and grumbling is her default position, but she was at her absolute best on this trip. She also is light years ahead of her grandparents when it comes to technology. She became an expert navigator and the one who mastered the Disney App that showed the wait times for the various rides with long lines. The best money we spent was the extra $25 per person per day for a special pass that enabled us to reserve a spot and skip the long lines by taking the “Lightning Lane.” Instead of waiting an hour or more for the most popular rides, we never waited more than 5 minutes. Abigail conquered that system so well that, by the last day, at the Wild Kingdom park, we were able to get off of one premium ride, walk to the next one, and immediately get on. At first, we felt guilty walking past those throngs of hot, sweaty people who had been waiting for over an hour, but we got over it. For us, the highlight of the trip was the relationship between the two siblings. At home or under normal circumstances, the two kids bicker constantly. Lucas wants to hang out with Abigail and do whatever she is doing, while she enjoys her time alone and finds her little brother annoying at times. At Disney, however, they were great buddies, often walking with arms around each other, and bonding over their annoyance with their grandparents.
Defense Attorney: Okay, let’s get into that. Exactly how old is Nana Handerson?
Jackleen: She will be 75 in September.
Defense Attorney: And can I assume that she is not exactly an athlete?
Jackleen: That is a safe assumption.
Defense Attorney: Does she like the climate of Florida in June?
Jackleen: She hates heat. She hates humidity. She hates crowds. She has a health condition in which she develops a violent rash on her ankles if she remains on her feet for long periods of time. So, the answer would be a resounding no.
Defense Attorney: Then why on Earth would you go on such a taxing trip?
Jackleen: It was for the kids. We promised Abigail we would take her anywhere she wanted to go for her 8th-grade graduation. We thought she would pick Paris or some European city, but she chose Disney World. Then, we decided we might not be in good enough health to take Lucas on a similar trip in four years, so we took them both this time.
Defense Attorney: Did you make any special accommodations for Nana Henderson?
Jackleen: Yes. Every so often, we would find some shade and let her sit for a few minutes. The kids also agreed that we would take a break for a couple of hours in the afternoon, when the heat and the crowds were the worst. The kids were pretty accepting of that idea for the first few days. By the last day or two, though, Abigail’s FOMO phobia kicked in, and she wanted to ride roller-coasters from dawn to dusk without a break. Other than that, Nana was a trooper. Before the trip, there was concern that some—or all—of us would chicken out on some of the scarier rides, but that was not the case. Everyone rode on every ride, and no one backed out.
Defense Attorney: I understand that many Disney officials considered Nana a security risk.
Jackleen: Apparently. They stopped her repeatedly at the metal detectors, and once did everything but strip search her at the entrance to a park. Another time, a handler with a drug-sniffing dog stopped her while the dog did a thorough search of her person. Finally, she was stopped at least six times at the secondary entrances to the parks while they took her picture for comparison to known felons and terrorists. I’m happy to report that they found no weapons or drugs except for her blood-pressure medicine.
Defense Attorney: You said that Lucas had a birthday during the trip. What was that day like?”
Jackleen: It was exhausting, but fun. As on most days, we left the room just after 7 a.m., had a full breakfast in the hotel, and were inside the gates of one of the parks as soon as they opened. That day, we went to The Hollywood Studios park and started with the Tower of Terror, Twilight Zone ride. I had my arms around Lucas when it started and his little heart was pounding at about 150 beats per minute. We hit 4 more rides that morning, including the two Star Wars rides that Lucas wanted to experience. We returned to the hotel for a break about 1:00. Grampa Jack took the kids to the pool while Nana took a quick nap. Then we were off to Epcot for some more rides and a great dinner, complete with costumed Disney characters and a special cake for Lucas’ birthday.
Defense Attorney: Wow. That’s a full day. I’m guessing you returned to your room after that.
Jackleen: Yes, but just for a few minutes to drop off the leftover cake. At 9:00, we headed out again, this time to the Magic Kingdom park for fireworks and more rides. You see, Magic Kingdom had special hours that day. Instead of closing at 11:00, as usual, they were open until 1:00 a.m., and we told the kids we would let them stay up late for those extra 2 hours. After standing in a crowd for the fireworks, after walking to Tomorrowland, Fantasyland, Adventureland, and a few other lands I can’t recall, we hit more rides, some for the second time. The adults were fading fast as midnight approached, so we let the kids go alone to wait the 50 minutes for the 7 Dwarfs Trail Ride while we sought a place to sit down. They finally rejoined us at 12:15. But something was different. Abigail was now dressed in a business suit. The Mickey Mouse ears were gone, replaced by a businesswoman’s bun and glasses. She even carried a briefcase full of legal arguments that she was ready to unleash at any moment. All we could figure was that, while she was on the 7 Dwarf’s ride, the Evil Queen of Snow-White fame had put a magical spell on her that transformed our sweet granddaughter into a lawyer.
(After a brief recess, the trial resumed with the prosecutor—who looked suspiciously like Abigail—interrogating the grandparents.)
Prosecutor: So, the way I understand it, you had a verbal agreement to stay in the park until 1:00 in the morning. Is that correct?
Jackleen: Well, yes, but we didn’t want to get caught up in the long lines at the Monorail if we waited until the park closed at one.
Prosecutor: That’s not what I asked. Did you agree to stay until 1:00?
Jackleen: Well, we said we would go to the park during the special extended hours.
Prosecutor: Which ran from 11:00 to 1:00. Correct?
Jackleen: Yes.
Prosecutor: Not from 11:00 to 12:15 or 12:30, but to 1:00. Correct?
Jackleen: I guess so.
Prosecutor: There is no guessing involved. The park was open until 1:00. And at what time did you decide to leave the park.
Jackleen: At 12:16. I checked my watch. The kids came off of the Seven Dwarfs ride at that time and said they wanted to ride the Space Mountain roller coaster again. But, that ride was a 10-minute walk away, and the App said there was a 40-minute wait to get on it. Since the park closed in 44 minutes, the math didn’t work. We were all exhausted, we had been on the go for nearly 18 hours, and we had walked over 27,000 steps that day. So, we decided to leave.
Prosecutor: Objection! Immaterial! I didn’t ask how many steps you had taken; I asked what time you decided to leave. Your honor, I want everything after 12:16 stricken from the record. Instruct the witness to simply answer the questions that are asked.
Judge: So ordered.
Prosecutor: You decided to leave at 12:16, a full 44 minutes before the promised leaving time.
And how did the children react to this abrupt and egregiously unfair change of plans?
Jackleen: Well, you have to understand that they were completely over-tired, cranky, and unreasonable after a full day of activities—
Prosecutor: Your honor!
Judge: Just answer the question, please.
Jackleen: They were upset. They still wanted to go to Space Mountain, hoping that some miracle would happen, and that they could squeeze in one more ride.
Prosecutor: So, you admit that the children were upset, that it was not yet 1:00, and that the grandparents made the arbitrary decision to leave, despite the prior agreement.
Jackleen: I wouldn’t put it that way, but yes, it was our decision.
Prosecutor: Ah hah! You decided to leave early without even consulting with the children. And what time was it when you got back to your room at the Contemporary Hotel?
Jackleen: It was 12:52.
Prosecutor: (Nodding, smiling, and looking at each juror knowingly.) 12:52. Eight minutes before 1 o’clock. You returned to your room while the park remained open for another 8 minutes. Eight full minutes that could have been spent having fun, riding roller coasters, and engaging in other activities. (Pausing dramatically to allow those words to register with the jurors) One final question: 12:52 is not 1:00, is it?
Jackleen: No.
Prosecutor: Your honor, I rest my case.
Excerpt from the prosecution’s closing arguments:
And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the facts of the case are clear. The grandparents, despite a prior agreement, and with malice aforethought, did knowingly and intentionally drag the children from the Magic Kingdom before the closing time, causing both children irreparable emotional harm. But forget these children for a moment. I ask you to render a guilty verdict not for Lucas and Abigail. For them it is already too late; the damage has been done. (At this point, the prosecutor’s eyes welled with tears, and her voice cracked) Nay, I ask you to find these grandparents guilty for other children, for the future generations of children who might otherwise be so grievously abused by equally insensitive grandparents. To paraphrase William Shakespeare, “For never was a tale of such travail, as that of Lucas and Abigail.”
[Disclaimer: This was just my way of poking fun at Abigail and her lawyer-like tendencies while illustrating some of the fun things we did at Disney World. I hope that no one misconstrues this story and thinks that the kids were anything less than appreciative for the trip.]